It would be an understatement to suggest that a woman's rape would be anything less than either the most profoundly difficult event of her life, or one of them.
For myself, as the boyfriend of a rape victim at the time of her attack, it was a monumental turning point for me.
For some, that might seem an odd thing to say. Why would such an event impact the boyfriend or partner of someone going through a traumatic experience like rape to such an extent, that they consider it a turning point in their own life?
To be quite frank, I still can't say for sure. Whether it's been part of my emotional or intellectual makeup, I don't know. I am a natural problem solver, and I know that I don't like unsolved conundrums. What I know I did want to do the moment I heard it had happened, was do something to help. I felt so hopeless, so useless, so angry. I was incensed that someone I considered to be one of the kindest, if not the kindest, people I'd ever met, had been treated so abysmally by another human being.
On top of that, I was outraged by the support she failed to get, from her own family and friends, the judicial and penal system, the government, and society in general. It took me down a path where I began to understand that there is so little support for victims of such events that it could be said that the fabric of society simply isn't there; so much so that it led me to realize that so many aspects of my own life, and assumptions about reality, simply weren't true.
It led me down a path of my own, that was one of fear, confusion, anger, helplessness and trauma, the likes of which even to this day I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I became a victim of my own thoughts, my own assumptions, and my own terror. I continued to be bound to my ex girlfriend and her continued distress and further events in her life. I felt a profound connection to her, which I couldn't sever. I felt inextricably "in tune" with her so much so that it was as though there was no boundary at all between us. I fell into an abyss of shame and guilt and rage and responsibility for another person which felt like quicksand.
And, most of all, it forced me to look at why.
The why of my own reaction and subsequent journey after my girlfriend's rape will cover a lot of what this book is about.
For myself, as the boyfriend of a rape victim at the time of her attack, it was a monumental turning point for me.
For some, that might seem an odd thing to say. Why would such an event impact the boyfriend or partner of someone going through a traumatic experience like rape to such an extent, that they consider it a turning point in their own life?
To be quite frank, I still can't say for sure. Whether it's been part of my emotional or intellectual makeup, I don't know. I am a natural problem solver, and I know that I don't like unsolved conundrums. What I know I did want to do the moment I heard it had happened, was do something to help. I felt so hopeless, so useless, so angry. I was incensed that someone I considered to be one of the kindest, if not the kindest, people I'd ever met, had been treated so abysmally by another human being.
On top of that, I was outraged by the support she failed to get, from her own family and friends, the judicial and penal system, the government, and society in general. It took me down a path where I began to understand that there is so little support for victims of such events that it could be said that the fabric of society simply isn't there; so much so that it led me to realize that so many aspects of my own life, and assumptions about reality, simply weren't true.
It led me down a path of my own, that was one of fear, confusion, anger, helplessness and trauma, the likes of which even to this day I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I became a victim of my own thoughts, my own assumptions, and my own terror. I continued to be bound to my ex girlfriend and her continued distress and further events in her life. I felt a profound connection to her, which I couldn't sever. I felt inextricably "in tune" with her so much so that it was as though there was no boundary at all between us. I fell into an abyss of shame and guilt and rage and responsibility for another person which felt like quicksand.
And, most of all, it forced me to look at why.
The why of my own reaction and subsequent journey after my girlfriend's rape will cover a lot of what this book is about.
